I like the subtle conflict of Andrea deciding between drawing and honoring her mother’s request, but in a contest that revolves around conflict, I’d prefer to see something a little stronger. Most of this scene focuses on the drawing.

I do like where the scene ends, because it makes me wonder about Andrea and The Chameleon haunting her thoughts.

I’d like to share a couple of line suggestions.

“Drawing was a skill, not a talent, but once in a while, she created something that she fell in love with.”

I feel this isn’t needed. I wanted to skim through it.

“And with her recent social suicide, she felt that this pair of eyes were incredible.”

I’m not sure how social suicide correlates to Andrea having a better opinion of her drawing abilities. It’s an odd juxtaposition of thoughts and I don’t quite get the connection.

“he gangly teacher with a surprising military past”

Is this the first time the reader meets this particular teacher? If not, it’s a strange comment for Andrea to make.

I know this contest isn’t about mechanics, but you need to fix some punctuation and capitalization problems.

“with the class?” snapped Mr. George

“Mr. George,” replied Andrea

“quadratic formula!” he commanded”

I hope the line edits helps! Thanks for sharing this interesting scene!

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By Alicia on 03.30.09 5:34 pm | Permalink

This is great subtle conflict. Other than the few line edits, no caps in those places, I think this very well written.

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By Sarah on 03.31.09 11:13 am | Permalink

Suspenseful for sure, but not really teeming with conflict. Good story though! The Chameleon has me curious…

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By Liz on 03.31.09 8:04 pm | Permalink

I’m interested in the story. You have some unique elements here. I think you could punch up the first paragraph a bit by rewriting to remove the “were” in those sentences.

“They were the best pair that she had ever drawn.”

could be: “She’d never drawn eyes that resonated so intensely with her.”

Well…you get the idea.

The social suicide line intrigued me, and I like the feeling this gives of her having power. Can’t wait to meet the body that goes with the eyes!

[Reply]

By Joyce on 03.31.09 8:17 pm | Permalink