Comments on: CONTEST ENTRY #1 http://giveagirlapen.com/contests/contest-entry-1 She'll write a book to go with it... Thu, 19 Jan 2012 12:47:23 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.3.1 By: Joyce http://giveagirlapen.com/contests/contest-entry-1/comment-page-1#comment-254 Joyce Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:17:21 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=279#comment-254 I'm interested in the story. You have some unique elements here. I think you could punch up the first paragraph a bit by rewriting to remove the "were" in those sentences. "They were the best pair that she had ever drawn." could be: "She'd never drawn eyes that resonated so intensely with her." Well...you get the idea. The social suicide line intrigued me, and I like the feeling this gives of her having power. Can't wait to meet the body that goes with the eyes! I’m interested in the story. You have some unique elements here. I think you could punch up the first paragraph a bit by rewriting to remove the “were” in those sentences.

“They were the best pair that she had ever drawn.”

could be: “She’d never drawn eyes that resonated so intensely with her.”

Well…you get the idea.

The social suicide line intrigued me, and I like the feeling this gives of her having power. Can’t wait to meet the body that goes with the eyes!

]]> By: Liz http://giveagirlapen.com/contests/contest-entry-1/comment-page-1#comment-251 Liz Wed, 01 Apr 2009 01:04:06 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=279#comment-251 Suspenseful for sure, but not really teeming with conflict. Good story though! The Chameleon has me curious... Suspenseful for sure, but not really teeming with conflict. Good story though! The Chameleon has me curious…

]]> By: Sarah http://giveagirlapen.com/contests/contest-entry-1/comment-page-1#comment-238 Sarah Tue, 31 Mar 2009 16:13:11 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=279#comment-238 This is great subtle conflict. Other than the few line edits, no caps in those places, I think this very well written. This is great subtle conflict. Other than the few line edits, no caps in those places, I think this very well written.

]]> By: Alicia http://giveagirlapen.com/contests/contest-entry-1/comment-page-1#comment-219 Alicia Mon, 30 Mar 2009 22:34:14 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=279#comment-219 I like the subtle conflict of Andrea deciding between drawing and honoring her mother's request, but in a contest that revolves around conflict, I'd prefer to see something a little stronger. Most of this scene focuses on the drawing. I do like where the scene ends, because it makes me wonder about Andrea and The Chameleon haunting her thoughts. I'd like to share a couple of line suggestions. "Drawing was a skill, not a talent, but once in a while, she created something that she fell in love with." I feel this isn't needed. I wanted to skim through it. "And with her recent social suicide, she felt that this pair of eyes were incredible." I'm not sure how social suicide correlates to Andrea having a better opinion of her drawing abilities. It's an odd juxtaposition of thoughts and I don't quite get the connection. "he gangly teacher with a surprising military past" Is this the first time the reader meets this particular teacher? If not, it's a strange comment for Andrea to make. I know this contest isn't about mechanics, but you need to fix some punctuation and capitalization problems. "with the class?" <b>s</b>napped Mr. George "Mr. George<b>,</b>" <b>r</b>eplied Andrea "quadratic formula!" <b>h</b>e commanded" I hope the line edits helps! Thanks for sharing this interesting scene! :) I like the subtle conflict of Andrea deciding between drawing and honoring her mother’s request, but in a contest that revolves around conflict, I’d prefer to see something a little stronger. Most of this scene focuses on the drawing.

I do like where the scene ends, because it makes me wonder about Andrea and The Chameleon haunting her thoughts.

I’d like to share a couple of line suggestions.

“Drawing was a skill, not a talent, but once in a while, she created something that she fell in love with.”

I feel this isn’t needed. I wanted to skim through it.

“And with her recent social suicide, she felt that this pair of eyes were incredible.”

I’m not sure how social suicide correlates to Andrea having a better opinion of her drawing abilities. It’s an odd juxtaposition of thoughts and I don’t quite get the connection.

“he gangly teacher with a surprising military past”

Is this the first time the reader meets this particular teacher? If not, it’s a strange comment for Andrea to make.

I know this contest isn’t about mechanics, but you need to fix some punctuation and capitalization problems.

“with the class?” snapped Mr. George

“Mr. George,” replied Andrea

“quadratic formula!” he commanded”

I hope the line edits helps! Thanks for sharing this interesting scene! :)

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