Setup: The older sister (Lexi, 19) comes home with her arm in an air splint, and the younger sister (Leni, 14) is trying to get to the bottom of it. This is a WIP for a YA SF short story.
The first line is from Leni, the younger, who is also the narrator.
—
“Hair in funny places? An irresistible urge to pump out a few babies and bake cookies all day?”
She cracked a little. Not a lot, but a little.
“Yeah. Right. Never.” She held the pillow like a shield between her legs, and we both smiled at the old joke. I flopped down on the bed beside her, not looking at her, but not looking away, either.
“It’s just …” She trailed off. She wasn’t looking at anything, either.
“Lexi, your wrist. And the bruises on your shins. Did you ever tell mom about those?”
She didn’t do anything but breathe.
“That would be a big, fat NO, then?” I might have sighed a little over-dramatically at her. Just a little.
“Last week it was your wrist again. And a few days before that you were limping all day at work.”
She nodded and put her head down and that’s when I saw it. I don’t think she meant to show me, but it was there.
“Holy crap, Lexi! When did you get that?” I pointed.
The bruise under her hair on the back of her neck was ugly. Yellow and green. It would fade in another few days, but it must have already been there for a while. How had I missed it? I reached out to touch it, not thinking. She slapped my hand away a little to harshly.
“Hey! Sorry! Geez.” I might have pouted.
She finally spoke to me, but she still wouldn’t look at me.
“You’re right, Leni. I’m so sorry. I should have told you sooner. I just … I didn’t know how to.”
“Was it whats-his-name? David? Dean? Has he been beating you up? We have to tell mom and call the cops!”
I made a grab for the phone, but she got there first with those gangly spider-monkey arms of hers.
By Rick O
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6 Comments so far
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Some definite conflict happening here. I love the voice! I like the overlapping conflict in this scene. First, the tension between Leni and Lexi over what happened to Lexi. Second, the offstage conflict of Lexi perhaps being abused.
I’m going to suggest a couple of minor line edits.
“I might have sighed a little over-dramatically at her. Just a little.”
This pulled me out of the scene. I like that it’s in keeping with Leni’s young voice, but she either sighed or she didn’t. Think about doing something like: “I heaved a sigh. I didn’t mean to be dramatic, but God.”
“I might have pouted.”
As earlier, she either pouted or she didn’t. Just a small tweak would help. “I glared at her, even though I hated pouting.”
I really like the last line. The “gangly spider monkey arms” made me smile. Good luck with this!
[Reply]
By Alicia on 03.30.09 5:48 pm | Permalink
Wow, you captured me! I want to know more on what is going to happen with this story. I loved the way you had Leni talk. She had such youth and she reminded me of me! I really liked the line,
“I might have sighed a little over dramatically at her. Just a little” It is something I could see my teenage self saying.
I love the spider monkey arms. That is great! I, again, just have to say I loved this story!!!
[Reply]
By Brenna on 03.31.09 9:56 am | Permalink
This is a really good scene. Great conflict, great dialogue. Nothing more to add here. Good job for our honorary girl with a pen.
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By Sarah on 03.31.09 11:11 am | Permalink
Hmmm…you have two types of conflict here. Very clever. Great dialogue. I don’t have a blood sister, but this is quite believable. Great job!
[Reply]
By Liz on 03.31.09 7:08 pm | Permalink
It is quite obvious you are a terrific writer. This is a well crafted scene and keeps the tension up.
[Reply]
By Joyce on 03.31.09 8:08 pm | Permalink
Very nicely written. It’s a serious scene, but you have subdued it to a perfect balance. I like the reference to the spider monkey arms.
[Reply]
By Michael on 03.31.09 11:35 pm | Permalink
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