Here you go. This isn’t your ordinary conflict. It happens to be with a timber rattlesnake.
It’s from my WIP which is nearly finished, sort of, almost…you get the picture! 
Anna stared at a yellowish brown colored snake with a flat triangular shaped head. It hissed loudly and opened its mouth in a threatening manner. The vibrations on the ground from the horses and the girls had obviously scared the snake. It was a few feet away from Claire’s legs coiled, and ready to strike. His rattle made a tapping sound. His mouth was open exposing his fangs which were long and looked very sharp. You could almost see through them. “Claire, turn the flashlight on and shine it over to my side.” Claire’s knees trembled and her heart raced. But she managed to turn on the flashlight.
“Oh…MY…GOSH! If he bites one of us we’ll die out here,” Claire whispered.
“Don’t move,” Anna said.
Anna scanned the area. It was hard to see because the sweat fell off her forehead and trickled into her eyes. Wiping them with her sleeve, she exhaled and smelled the onions she had on her sandwich at lunch. “Claire, be still.” Anna said as she slowly bent down, stretched her arm out and tried to grab a rock about the size of a soccer ball but her fingers couldn’t quite reach it. Anna knew if she could stretch her fingers out more she would be able to get hold of it. Very carefully, Anna pulled the rock toward her and gently grasped it with both hands. “When I throw the rock in the bushes, you jump back as fast as you can.” She slowly stood up, her hands were shaking and her eyes began tearing up, mixing with the sweat, and burning. With her arms stretched out over her head, she tossed the rock over the snake and into the bushes. Anna and Claire jumped back to safety and the snake slithered away.
By Robyn
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4 Comments so far
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Nice tension here, though I do question a few things. Did the mentioned horses run off at the sight of the snake? Stop and watch? Freak out? Attempt to trample the snake? Horses have different reactions, but I’d like to see something more about them here.
If it’s dark enough for Anna and Claire to need a flashlight, how did either girl see the snake in the first place? Or notice details like its color and translucent fangs?
“a rock about the size of a soccer ball”
The size of a soccer ball? That’s a dang boulder, not a rock! I can’t imagine Anna grasping it well enough with her fingertips to scoot it across the ground.
I’m afraid these instances pulled me out of the scene. With a little tweaking, I think the tension would come through much better.
[Reply]
By Alicia on 03.30.09 6:14 pm | Permalink
I’m with Alicia here too. The tension is there, just need to work on those little issues she mentioned. I’ve tried picking up a stone the size of a soccer ball, and it’s heavy.
But overall, great conflict.
[Reply]
By Sarah on 03.31.09 11:08 am | Permalink
Scenes with snakes are definitely ‘conflictual’ in my book. I liked this, but thought it could be a tad stronger. I need a little more emotion to keep me enthralled. Thanks for entering!
[Reply]
By Liz on 03.31.09 7:01 pm | Permalink
Scenes with animals are interesting because they are so unpredictable- which amps up the conflict.
I really wanted the snake to lunge and narrowly miss one of the characters. It felt anti-climactic to me that the snake just slithered away after all that great build-up.
I also think you could break up the paragraphs a bit- maybe that was just the way it pasted in. But it would make it easier on the eyes to read if there was more white space.
For edits- the “opened its mouth in a threatening manner” seemed like telling instead of showing to me. Show me the tongue flicking to taste their scent, the venom clinging to its fangs, etc.
I think you have a good story here, just a few more tweaks to go. (And I keep telling myself that over and over again- when do the tweaks end?)
[Reply]
By Joyce on 03.31.09 7:46 pm | Permalink
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