CONTEST ENTRY #5

So, this is from a WiP because I’m having the worst time writing this weekend… I wrote this about two days ago. It’s from a YA urban fantasy.

The bare bones set-up::
Andrew tried to get Blake to break up with Alexis, then suddenly changed his mind. Who knows why.. Then, Alexis found herself fighting Andrew in the faery realm. He was trying to kill while she was protecting, but she thinks it may have all been a dream. They’re back in the human dimension now.

After freshening up as best she could – she borrowed some toothpaste and used her finger as a brush – Alexis wandered into the kitchen for a glass of water. And found Andrew there.

“Morning,” she said groggily.

“Oh, hey. Thought I was the only one up.”

“Nah, I always get up early. I need to find Blake. I gotta get home.”

“He’s still drunk, I think. I’m about to leave. Wanna ride?”

No, I don’t like you, remember? But of course she couldn’t say that.

“Yeah, that’d be good. I have a lot to do around the house today. Can’t waste time here.”

“Alright then, let’s go,” he said.

They walked outside to Andrew’s truck, and even though Alexis had a horrible feeling in the pit of her stomach, she made herself climb in the cab. Too bad it was even worse inside. Some kind of smell – nothing like old food or gym clothes or anything, just a weird odor – almost choked her out. She rolled the window down. Thankfully, it was nice that morning. Her stomach was getting queasier by the second.

They made random small talk on the way to Alexis’, but mostly sat in extremely uncomfortable silence.

I know I’m supposed to be giving him a chance, and he is being decent driving me home. What’s my problem?

Alexis had the strangest feeling that the same thoughts were running through Andrew’s mind.

Not soon enough, they arrived.

“Well, thanks for the ride. I appreciate it. If you talk to Blake before I do. can you ask him to call me?”

“Sure thing. And no problem – being stuck without a car is no fun. See ya later.”

“K. Bye.”

By Eden

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4 Comments so far
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Lots of good dialogue, but I’m not getting a big enough sense of conflict here. Without the blurb about the faerie realm, this scene would be two people who don’t like each other driving home together. Since Alexis isn’t doubtful enough of Andrew to refuse his ride, I don’t feel a strong enough sense of tension. As a scene of character interaction, it works. As a scene of conflict, it’s missing the tension I need to feel immersed.

[Reply]

I agree with Alicia. I can see the conflict, because I know the story, but those not familiar would not feel it. That’s what makes it harder for me, I know most these stories.
The dialogue is great. The writing strong. It’s coming together really nicely Eden. :)

[Reply]

Sounds like an interesting story. The scene needs a bit more tension to be classified as a ‘conflict’ to me. Thanks for the entry!

[Reply]

I enjoyed the scene. I always like the juxtaposition between a character’s thoughts and what they actually say. I think adding some of the awkward small talk you mention would strengthen the overall feeling you are trying to get across. I’m intrigued.

[Reply]

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