Hook #1
October 4, 2009 | Filed in: Query and Synopsis

Two 13-year old girls (one a diabetic) embark on an unsupervised horseback ride in the mountains. When they are forced off their trail and a thunderstorm strikes, they’re confronted by wild animals, nightfall, and an insulin pump running on empty. They must find their way home in a situation where failure is not an option.

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2 Comments so far
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There’s definitely a hook here… I’m just not sure it’s a very high concept one. So, maybe I would ramp something up?

Diabetic, I know is high stakes… but I am not sure that outside of diabetic circles, etc., that it would be a book worth reading.

So maybe don’t make that the main focus, instead make the getting lost the main focus?
.-= Jamie´s last blog ..Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-10-04 =-.

[Reply]

By Jamie on 10.04.09 12:54 pm | Permalink

I like it! I think the stakes are pretty clear, and it seems like a good fit for a large audience – that of the Babysitters Club series, Saddle Club, etc.

The few tweaks I’d suggest:

1. Seeing parentheses slows me down. If you can avoid them, possibly by setting the phrase off with commas or dashes, I’d recommend it.

2. I’m a big fan of specificity. If these are the Appalachian mountains, or the Rockies, I’d rather see that. Also, what forces them off the trail? And while I’m actually fine with “wild animals,” you might get a little more emphasis with, say, “bears,” or, “mountain lions.”

3. I really like the second sentence, especially the phrase and an insulin pump running on empty. I do wonder whether “nightfall” deserves a place among these much more serious dangers, especially as a thunderstorm really removes a lot of the advantage of daylight. What I’d like to see is a reference to what’s up with the horses at this point, as dealing with them could be a whole separate challenge and a really interesting element.

4. I’d avoid the phrase failure is not an option, as it’s just pretty cliche.

Good hook, and good luck!

[Reply]

By Anica Lewis on 10.08.09 1:51 pm | Permalink

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