Comments on: Hook and Pitch #2 http://giveagirlapen.com/query-and-synopsis/hook-and-pitch-2 She'll write a book to go with it... Sat, 04 Sep 2010 23:40:10 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.1 By: Anica Lewis http://giveagirlapen.com/query-and-synopsis/hook-and-pitch-2/comment-page-1#comment-1180 Anica Lewis Thu, 08 Oct 2009 19:17:15 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1831#comment-1180 The tension and plot are definitely clear. Still, I have to say that I agree with Jamie - the pitch needs some individual touches to show that the story isn't the same as a lot of others. I like the faeries-as-agents-of-chaos element, which reminds me of <i>Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell.</i> This is a nitpick, but I was confused for awhile about <i>the stories that Night told her</i>. It's poetic, but if they're dreams, maybe you could be clearer about that. If they're something else, you definitely need to explain them. I'm also not sure about the very last sentence. We assume she wants to make the right choice, and that she isn't sure which one that is. Otherwise, it wouldn't be a dilemna. Ending with a question could work well here, but try to find one that tells us something we didn't know or presents the problem in a new light - e.g. something it means to Alexis personally. The tension and plot are definitely clear. Still, I have to say that I agree with Jamie – the pitch needs some individual touches to show that the story isn’t the same as a lot of others.

I like the faeries-as-agents-of-chaos element, which reminds me of Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell.

This is a nitpick, but I was confused for awhile about the stories that Night told her. It’s poetic, but if they’re dreams, maybe you could be clearer about that. If they’re something else, you definitely need to explain them.

I’m also not sure about the very last sentence. We assume she wants to make the right choice, and that she isn’t sure which one that is. Otherwise, it wouldn’t be a dilemna. Ending with a question could work well here, but try to find one that tells us something we didn’t know or presents the problem in a new light – e.g. something it means to Alexis personally.

]]> By: Steena http://giveagirlapen.com/query-and-synopsis/hook-and-pitch-2/comment-page-1#comment-1163 Steena Mon, 05 Oct 2009 03:01:12 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1831#comment-1163 I love the pitch - now hook me with it! I'd totally love to read this story! I love the pitch – now hook me with it!

I’d totally love to read this story!

]]> By: Jamie http://giveagirlapen.com/query-and-synopsis/hook-and-pitch-2/comment-page-1#comment-1157 Jamie Sun, 04 Oct 2009 17:57:03 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1831#comment-1157 Okay, there's a hook here... But... it's pretty generic. I want you to tell me how THIS story is different than the piles and piles of other paranormal on an agent's desk. :) .-= Jamie´s last blog ..<a href="http://feedproxy.google.com/~r/totallythebomb/slss/~3/hiFF7uTqows/twitter-weekly-updates-for-2009-10-04" rel="nofollow">Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-10-04</a> =-. Okay, there’s a hook here…

But… it’s pretty generic. I want you to tell me how THIS story is different than the piles and piles of other paranormal on an agent’s desk. :)
Jamie´s last blog ..Twitter Weekly Updates for 2009-10-04

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