I have added, as a comment, my ‘new’ first five sentences of my WiP.
Sarah and I discussed it, and we think it would be a great idea for everyone to show what they have done to better their book beginning based (alliteration, anyone?) on the critiques you received from this site.
I, for one, would love to see if this was a useful exercise. Not that I’m doubting it…I just adore seeing progress!
My first five changed drastically. The comments I received made me realize that my initial instinct was right and I had tried too hard to make my beginning what it ‘should’ be.
You’d think I would already know this, as my guest blog on here a while back was all about going with your gut. Hmmm… Maybe I should take my own advice.
Anyway, we’d love to see those revisions!
Just post them as a comment to your submission–don’t be afraid to own up to which one was yours. They were all great =)
Thanks to all who participated!
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Since winning her first writing competition at a young age, Eden Tyler, has only fallen more in love with the written word. She uses her English, Psychology, and Sociology backgrounds to create depth to her own stories and novels while contributing to and running websites about writing. This is what fulfills her, along with working as Co-Editor for Fuel Your Writing, but she also enjoys the freelance work that puts food on the table (and that ever-essential roof overhead) for her family.
8 Comments so far
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Mine didn’t really change much but…
The wet, leaf-riddled ground wakes me.
My eyes shoot open to find tall trees in every direction, leaves spreading a canopy of shelter overhead. I can hardly tell if it’s day or night from my spot on the soggy forest floor.
Pushing my body into a sitting position, I struggle to make sense of the eerie setting as I raise one hand to my forehead.
The last thing I remembered was Nixon driving me to work.
[Reply]
By Liz on 07.01.09 9:48 am | Permalink
Liz,
I see you only made a couple changes, but it made it that much better! Love it =)
[Reply]
By Eden Tyler on 07.01.09 10:01 am | Permalink
Okay… here’s mine!
“Do you ever sleep?”
The music stopped, and Shanna lifted her eyes from the guitar to give Neil a faint smile. He stood in the hallway yawning, his long copper hair sticking up in the back. He rubbed one eye and put on his glasses as he settled on the worn leather couch beside his sister.
“Not much. Do you?”
Feels a bit cleaner to me now… thanks so much for all your help everyone!
[Reply]
By Jen on 07.02.09 8:18 pm | Permalink
Jen -
This is extremely close to the complete revision I did from your email. (I revised/edited ahead of time so it would be easier to comment when the time came).
I agree — it’s cleaner this way and says exactly what it needs to. No more and no less. And your writing is great!!
I’m interested as to where this story is going…
[Reply]
By Eden Tyler on 07.02.09 8:46 pm | Permalink
This is so helpful. What do y’all think of these changes?
A white cotton sheet twisted around Devin’s naked body. She couldn’t believe how glorious it felt making love to Jonathan. The wait had been well worth it, as Jonathan had mastered the art completely in the four days since they’d married. At least he had in her mind.
[Reply]
By Sarah on 07.02.09 11:35 pm | Permalink
Oh, and brush up other wip’s and shorts, because we will be doing this again next month!
[Reply]
By Sarah on 07.02.09 11:37 pm | Permalink
I like this version.
The cadence is better, yet it gives the same feel as the original.
I love that we did this!! So next month, huh? Nice
[Reply]
By Eden Tyler on 07.03.09 12:08 am | Permalink
Here’s my revision..I had it posted under my initial submission, but I figured I’d put it here since everyone else was =)
* * *
Sitting straight up in bed, Alexis looked all around her. Patting the sheets to feel they were real, she pulled them close to herself and attempted to gather her bearings.
A second ago, she was deep in the forest with beautiful creatures. She’d smelled fresh air and bathed in the sun’s rays that filtered through the trees. Many of the beings she was with were winged; all were wonderful. Not one was as boring and simple as the pale, yellow walls and dark, matching furniture that Mrs. Hodge had chosen for her daughter’s bedroom.
(it was five sentences, but became six..I didn’t want to take out the last one.. sorry)
[Reply]
By Eden Tyler on 07.03.09 11:53 am | Permalink
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