Comments on: First Five Revisions http://giveagirlapen.com/revising-manuscripts/first-five-revisions She'll write a book to go with it... Fri, 30 Jul 2010 03:25:15 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0 By: Eden Tyler http://giveagirlapen.com/revising-manuscripts/first-five-revisions/comment-page-1#comment-768 Eden Tyler Fri, 03 Jul 2009 16:53:28 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1135#comment-768 Here's my revision..I had it posted under my initial submission, but I figured I'd put it here since everyone else was =) * * * Sitting straight up in bed, Alexis looked all around her. Patting the sheets to feel they were real, she pulled them close to herself and attempted to gather her bearings. A second ago, she was deep in the forest with beautiful creatures. She’d smelled fresh air and bathed in the sun’s rays that filtered through the trees. Many of the beings she was with were winged; all were wonderful. Not one was as boring and simple as the pale, yellow walls and dark, matching furniture that Mrs. Hodge had chosen for her daughter’s bedroom. (it was five sentences, but became six..I didn’t want to take out the last one.. sorry) Here’s my revision..I had it posted under my initial submission, but I figured I’d put it here since everyone else was =)

* * *

Sitting straight up in bed, Alexis looked all around her. Patting the sheets to feel they were real, she pulled them close to herself and attempted to gather her bearings.

A second ago, she was deep in the forest with beautiful creatures. She’d smelled fresh air and bathed in the sun’s rays that filtered through the trees. Many of the beings she was with were winged; all were wonderful. Not one was as boring and simple as the pale, yellow walls and dark, matching furniture that Mrs. Hodge had chosen for her daughter’s bedroom.

(it was five sentences, but became six..I didn’t want to take out the last one.. sorry)

]]> By: Eden Tyler http://giveagirlapen.com/revising-manuscripts/first-five-revisions/comment-page-1#comment-765 Eden Tyler Fri, 03 Jul 2009 05:08:56 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1135#comment-765 I like this version. The cadence is better, yet it gives the same feel as the original. I love that we did this!! So next month, huh? Nice :D I like this version.
The cadence is better, yet it gives the same feel as the original.

I love that we did this!! So next month, huh? Nice :D

]]> By: Sarah http://giveagirlapen.com/revising-manuscripts/first-five-revisions/comment-page-1#comment-764 Sarah Fri, 03 Jul 2009 04:37:20 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1135#comment-764 Oh, and brush up other wip's and shorts, because we will be doing this again next month! :) Oh, and brush up other wip’s and shorts, because we will be doing this again next month!
:)

]]> By: Sarah http://giveagirlapen.com/revising-manuscripts/first-five-revisions/comment-page-1#comment-762 Sarah Fri, 03 Jul 2009 04:35:09 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1135#comment-762 This is so helpful. What do y'all think of these changes? A white cotton sheet twisted around Devin’s naked body. She couldn’t believe how glorious it felt making love to Jonathan. The wait had been well worth it, as Jonathan had mastered the art completely in the four days since they’d married. At least he had in her mind. This is so helpful. What do y’all think of these changes?

A white cotton sheet twisted around Devin’s naked body. She couldn’t believe how glorious it felt making love to Jonathan. The wait had been well worth it, as Jonathan had mastered the art completely in the four days since they’d married. At least he had in her mind.

]]> By: Eden Tyler http://giveagirlapen.com/revising-manuscripts/first-five-revisions/comment-page-1#comment-761 Eden Tyler Fri, 03 Jul 2009 01:46:37 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1135#comment-761 Jen - This is extremely close to the complete revision I did from your email. (I revised/edited ahead of time so it would be easier to comment when the time came). I agree -- it's cleaner this way and says exactly what it needs to. No more and no less. And your writing is great!! I'm interested as to where this story is going... Jen -
This is extremely close to the complete revision I did from your email. (I revised/edited ahead of time so it would be easier to comment when the time came).
I agree — it’s cleaner this way and says exactly what it needs to. No more and no less. And your writing is great!!
I’m interested as to where this story is going…

]]> By: Jen http://giveagirlapen.com/revising-manuscripts/first-five-revisions/comment-page-1#comment-759 Jen Fri, 03 Jul 2009 01:18:12 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1135#comment-759 Okay... here's mine! <i>“Do you ever sleep?” The music stopped, and Shanna lifted her eyes from the guitar to give Neil a faint smile. He stood in the hallway yawning, his long copper hair sticking up in the back. He rubbed one eye and put on his glasses as he settled on the worn leather couch beside his sister. “Not much. Do you?”</i> Feels a bit cleaner to me now... thanks so much for all your help everyone! :) Okay… here’s mine!

“Do you ever sleep?”

The music stopped, and Shanna lifted her eyes from the guitar to give Neil a faint smile. He stood in the hallway yawning, his long copper hair sticking up in the back. He rubbed one eye and put on his glasses as he settled on the worn leather couch beside his sister.

“Not much. Do you?”

Feels a bit cleaner to me now… thanks so much for all your help everyone! :)

]]> By: Eden Tyler http://giveagirlapen.com/revising-manuscripts/first-five-revisions/comment-page-1#comment-733 Eden Tyler Wed, 01 Jul 2009 15:01:46 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1135#comment-733 Liz, I see you only made a couple changes, but it made it that much better! Love it =) Liz,
I see you only made a couple changes, but it made it that much better! Love it =)

]]> By: Liz http://giveagirlapen.com/revising-manuscripts/first-five-revisions/comment-page-1#comment-732 Liz Wed, 01 Jul 2009 14:48:54 +0000 http://giveagirlapen.com/?p=1135#comment-732 Mine didn't really change much but... <em>The wet, leaf-riddled ground wakes me. My eyes shoot open to find tall trees in every direction, leaves spreading a canopy of shelter overhead. I can hardly tell if it’s day or night from my spot on the soggy forest floor. Pushing my body into a sitting position, I struggle to make sense of the eerie setting as I raise one hand to my forehead. The last thing I remembered was Nixon driving me to work.</em> Mine didn’t really change much but…

The wet, leaf-riddled ground wakes me.
My eyes shoot open to find tall trees in every direction, leaves spreading a canopy of shelter overhead. I can hardly tell if it’s day or night from my spot on the soggy forest floor.
Pushing my body into a sitting position, I struggle to make sense of the eerie setting as I raise one hand to my forehead.
The last thing I remembered was Nixon driving me to work.

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