Comments on: First Five Sentence Critique #10

By: Jen

Jen — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 01:21:31 +0000

Oh, nice. I feel the sadness. Shoot, these five sentences tell a powerful story in themselves… a little bit longer, and it would make a great flash fiction!

I do agree with the other comments. I would also suggest making the first sentence, “The Great War was over.” Less passive, more final? Just ideas.

Beautiful. Great job!

By: Anica

Anica — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:20:53 +0000

This is a strong beginning. I do second (third, whatever) Claena’s suggestions, especially on the second sentence. Also, I assume that in the fourth sentence you meant “couldn’t,” not “could.” But definitely powerful stuff. I’m feeling the sad.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 05:31:10 +0000

claena is dead on with her critique. And with the story, I love it. It’s honest and evokes great feelings.
Very well done. With a little tweaking, you have a great story here.
And I think liz is right to cap Great War. IMO

By: Liz

Liz — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 18:56:09 +0000

I would say Great War should be capitalized…not sure on this though.

I agree with claena’s suggestions. Make it more active and let us feel her emotions from the scene.

It’s got the great beginnings of a tragic love story. I can’t wait to read on…

By: Jamie

Jamie — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 15:57:49 +0000

This is good, and a nice hook, but I want to see less had and were… in the instances of this, they are both quite passive.

By: claena

claena — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 14:54:05 +0000

This is a great instant impact of a start. I think we can get so desensitized to the idea of a soldier dying at war, that seeing the impact through the eyes of a surviving lover is a really great concept, and very timely, even if the piece is historical.

Now to the crit:

Your second sentence is troublesome.

First you’ve repeated streets twice. And the way it’s crafted now makes it into a run-on of three sentences, strung together. But you could incorporate all of that information into one sentence pretty easily:

People were dancing under showers of confetti and streamers being thrown down into the streets, with a background of banners hung to welcome home our…etc

… you’ll craft that in your own way, but you get the idea.

I also think you need to up the complexity of the fourth and fifth sentences to really communicate the emotions. Let us connect with your main character by telling us how the scene affects her, not just that it does. For example:

Everywhere I looked, a faceless man in uniform was diving into the arms of his lover, but my arms were empty. And a thousand kisses on the streets made my lips feel cold–a bitter and constant reminder that Mark would never be coming home.

Again… you can do better than that, it’s just my silly example of how you can up the emotional quotient.

Good luck!