The tinkling of the bell over the door had for years introduced everyone (important or not) and anything (newsworthy or not) to the West End Print and Copy Shop. It was a sound that Maggie heard many times throughout her day, but not one that she expected to change her life—until the day the bell announced a seemingly ordinary event: Steve’s arrival.
Maggie had been at the shop for a couple hours already; set the OPEN sign in the window, started the coffee, checked her email, answered several phone calls. Steve was, as usual, running errands and running late. As he came through the door to the tinkling of the bell, he balanced his briefcase, the mail, a parcel, his coat, and his keys.
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6 Comments so far
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I like this. I fell that sentence two should stop at life. New sentence with Until and em dash for Steve’s arrival.
The only other suggestion I have is that there are a few lists in these sentences. Maybe sharpen it up with fewer details…? I’m really not sure if that’s a good suggestion or not.
Good luck!
[Reply]
By Liz on 06.28.09 2:02 pm | Permalink
I like it. Agree with liz.
But it’s got me wanting to know what’s going to happen.
I’d read on for sure!
[Reply]
By Sarah on 06.29.09 12:33 am | Permalink
I’m definitely curious about what’s going to happen! I would try to vary sentence length a little (read: some sentences shorter, not so listy). I like the fourth sentence a lot.
[Reply]
By Anica on 06.29.09 2:24 pm | Permalink
I agree that this is very interesting. My only comment is that I would suggest you remove, “had been at the shop for a couple hours already” as I think this is implied by the long list of things that follows.
[Reply]
By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 8:29 pm | Permalink
Hey everyone – thanks for your comments; they’re very helpful and I’ll try to apply them.
On another note, I wrote an article about beginnings a little while back, if you’re interesting.
[Reply]
By Bonnie on 07.07.09 6:33 pm | Permalink
The tinkling of the bell over the door had for years introduced everyone and anything to the West End Print and Copy Shop. It was a sound that Maggie heard many times throughout her day, but not one that she expected to change her life. Until the day the bell announced a seemingly ordinary event—Steve’s arrival.
Maggie had set the OPEN sign in the window, started the coffee, checked her email, answered several phone calls. Steve was, as usual, running errands and running late. As he came through the door to the tinkling of the bell, he balanced his briefcase, the mail, a parcel, his coat, and his keys.
[Reply]
By Bonnie on 07.07.09 6:35 pm | Permalink
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