Comments on: First Five Sentence Critique #11

By: Bonnie

Bonnie — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 23:35:43 +0000

The tinkling of the bell over the door had for years introduced everyone and anything to the West End Print and Copy Shop. It was a sound that Maggie heard many times throughout her day, but not one that she expected to change her life. Until the day the bell announced a seemingly ordinary event—Steve’s arrival.

Maggie had set the OPEN sign in the window, started the coffee, checked her email, answered several phone calls. Steve was, as usual, running errands and running late. As he came through the door to the tinkling of the bell, he balanced his briefcase, the mail, a parcel, his coat, and his keys.

By: Bonnie

Bonnie — Tue, 07 Jul 2009 23:33:59 +0000

Hey everyone – thanks for your comments; they’re very helpful and I’ll try to apply them. On another note, I wrote an article about beginnings a little while back, if you’re interesting.

By: Holly Bodger

Holly Bodger — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 01:29:15 +0000

I agree that this is very interesting. My only comment is that I would suggest you remove, “had been at the shop for a couple hours already” as I think this is implied by the long list of things that follows.

By: Anica

Anica — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 19:24:10 +0000

I’m definitely curious about what’s going to happen! I would try to vary sentence length a little (read: some sentences shorter, not so listy). I like the fourth sentence a lot.

By: Sarah

Sarah — Mon, 29 Jun 2009 05:33:18 +0000

I like it. Agree with liz.
But it’s got me wanting to know what’s going to happen.
I’d read on for sure!

By: Liz

Liz — Sun, 28 Jun 2009 19:02:01 +0000

I like this. I fell that sentence two should stop at life. New sentence with Until and em dash for Steve’s arrival.

The only other suggestion I have is that there are a few lists in these sentences. Maybe sharpen it up with fewer details…? I’m really not sure if that’s a good suggestion or not.

Good luck!