First Five Sentence Critique #12
June 28, 2009 | Filed in: Editing and Revising

The most devastating moment I can recall would have to be the moment I realized I was dead. My entire world was destroyed with one realization. I thought it was the end of me, the end of my Soul and the end of everything I had ever believed in. Had I realized it was only the beginning, that my Soul was merely an infant ready to emerge from the world’s careless womb and that my beliefs, which had once been reliant upon faith alone, were about to be strengthened, maybe I would not have been so melodramatic.

Bookmark This
[del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [kirtsy] [MySpace] [Reddit] [Squidoo] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Email]

6 Comments so far
Leave a comment

This intrigues me… big time.

[Reply]

By Jamie on 06.28.09 10:59 am | Permalink

I think the second sentence is not necessary/repetitive.

Very descriptive imagery.

I’d end the last sentence with…were about to be strengthened, I may not have been so melodramatic.

Great job…I’m eager for more!

[Reply]

By Liz on 06.28.09 2:08 pm | Permalink

Yeah, I sooo want to read on.
Hooked, lined, and sunk.
:)

[Reply]

By Sarah on 06.29.09 12:34 am | Permalink

Thanks girls. I keep coming back to this one myself. I know it IS slightly passive, but I can’t help but love it.

The second one will remain the second paragraph instead of the first.

[Reply]

By Marybeth on 06.29.09 6:21 am | Permalink

Definitely intriguing.

I would try not to repeat “moment” in the first sentence – maybe . . . would be the one in which I realized I was dead. And you could pretty easily change the second sentence to eliminate the passive: One realization destroyed my entire world. In the third sentence, you might consider replacing “and” with a comma (. . . the end of my Soul, the end of everything I had ever believed in.) In the last sentence, you could cut “which had been” and just say my beliefs, once reliant upon faith alone.

I like the fact that seeing the world as a womb creates a metaphor in which an afterlife is actually a life, rather than a kind of eternal existence. (Although I assume that you don’t mean your story’s afterlife to end with an afterdeath . . . ?)

[Reply]

By Anica on 06.29.09 2:31 pm | Permalink

Very interesting!

I agree that you need to cut one “moment” from the first sentence and would also suggest you cut or change one of the realized/realization/realized from the first, second and fourth lines.

[Reply]

By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 8:33 pm | Permalink

RSS feed for comments on this post.
TrackBack URI

Leave a comment
Line and paragraph breaks automatic, e-mail address never displayed, HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>

(required)

(required)


CommentLuv badge





Pin It


To contact the girls, please email us ifyougiveagirl@gmail.com

Recent Posts

Recent Comments

Categories

Archives

Sarah's Tweet

Jamie's Tweet

Eden's Tweet

Marybeth's Tweet



RSS/XML

Subscribe to our Posts Via Email

Enter your email address:

Delivered by FeedBurner

Authors


Uniball

Blogs We Love


© Copyright Notice: The written content here is subject to copyright. All posts belong to their author. Any comment added is property of the author of that comment. If you would like to borrow anything, just ask, and please give the author credit. Thanks!

Meta