reread this looking specifically for passive voice… there’s way too much. But if you get rid of it, then this will be a good opening.

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By Jamie on 06.28.09 11:00 am | Permalink

Check for ‘was’ and ‘were’ and try to get rid of as many as you can. If you change ‘I could no longer physically feel anything’ to ‘I no longer felt anything physical’ or something of the like. Shortens it up and makes it stronger.
Once the passive voice is gone, this will be really interesting and great!!

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By Eden Tyler on 06.28.09 12:41 pm | Permalink

Like the first and second sentences. Is there a way to replace some of the was’s?

What are the unfamiliar surroundings in the third sentence?

Also I think I would replace the telling of her ‘unfeeling’ with an example: If the unfamiliar surroundings were not disturbing enough, the fact that I could no longer feel my fingers or toes or even the chair I was sitting in, left me incredibly alarmed.

Great place to begin, but it needs a little tweaking.

Good luck!

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By Liz on 06.28.09 2:22 pm | Permalink

I like the first one better. It’s more captivating. IMO

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By Sarah on 06.29.09 12:36 am | Permalink

My Advanced Fiction professor had a policy wherein you weren’t supposed to be able to lay a hand on your page such that it would touch the verb “to be,” in any form, more than once. He did make exceptions, but it’s true that words like “was” aren’t strong and can be repetitive. (He felt the same way about the verb “to have.”)

The concept, though, is very interesting. I like the last two sentences especially.

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By Anica on 06.29.09 6:43 pm | Permalink

Still not sure if I like this one or the other one better. This one is more personable and the other is more detached, almost literary.

If you keep this one, I’d either remove the “could no longer physically feel anything” or I’d remove the list after it. Once you’ve said “anything”, everything is implied.

I’d also remove the all-caps on WHAT. It screams this word and I don’t think that is necessary.

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By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 8:46 pm | Permalink