It’s an interesting idea, I think, to start with the happy-ever-after. Very cool.

My only crit is that the prose doesn’t flow very well. I think you could take two of the sentences and recast them into one long one to break up the choppy feel.

Other than that, good luck to you!

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By claena on 06.28.09 10:36 am | Permalink

I like that you just started with their happiness… when usually that’s the ending.

Every time I hear the word glorious, I think of the movie Old School–but that’s probably just me!

They are good though! I think the last sentence is really hook-a-fied!

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By Jamie Harrington on 06.28.09 10:45 am | Permalink

This is really good.
I personally think the last sentence could be connected to the fourth with an em dash. It might make it even stronger.

My only concern is how you’re going to work what comes after. It’s hard to start this way without bogging down with too much backstory in the flashbacks.
But, if you’re this strong in the beginning, I can assume you probably did a great job with the rest!

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By Eden Tyler on 06.28.09 12:32 pm | Permalink

I agree with Jamie – really like where this story starts (or seems to be starting). My crits are pretty much sentence structure, because I think the flow could be a little smoother.

I’d suggest rearranging the second sentence a little – possibly: “She couldn’t believe how glorious it felt, making love to Jonathan.” True, “it” isn’t a strong word, but for the sake of coherence you don’t want too long a phrase separating “glorious” and “felt.” If your reader has time to wonder what the end of the phrase will be, then s/he’s pulled back from the story, looking at it as words rather than events and feelings. I’d change something about the last sentence, partly just because I sort of went, “Wait, they’re only married in her mind?” Even if most readers get it, if you leave an ambiguous bit, there will be those who take it wrong.

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By Anica on 06.28.09 4:48 pm | Permalink

A few comments:

-I would start with her feeling, not her state of dress (although I really like the sheet!) I would also recommend not starting with a subject of “she” as it took me a couple of reads to figure out that Devin was a woman.
-The second sentence needs to be reworded so it is more active. For example, “Devin couldn’t believe how glorious it felt to make love to Jonathan.”
-There is something about switching to “He had…” that makes me feel like I’ve jumped heads. Maybe re-word so this is an obvious opinion of Devon’s.

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By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 8:28 am | Permalink

I love the last sentence. It has the hint that the lovemaking wasn’t as glorious as she is making it sound. To me, at least, there’s a hint of trouble already in the marriage. I could be totally wrong on that way, but the last sentence – at least in her mind – hints at trouble.

S

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By Scott on 06.29.09 9:42 am | Permalink

I agree about the choppy sentences… varying up the length would help it flow better. Maybe expand and lengthen the first four sentences, but keep the last part the way it is. You could set it off as it’s own paragraph to intensify it even more. It’s a nice little punch and a fantastic hook. I want to read the rest now!

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By Jen on 07.02.09 11:31 am | Permalink

Thanks so much everyone for their feedback. This was very helpful.
I have posted revisions on Eden’s revision thread.

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By Sarah on 07.02.09 11:36 pm | Permalink