I love the way you’ve made us instantly hate Ankou. It’s really masterful, how you’ve managed to craft his character and provide insight into the world you’re leading the reader into, in such a small amount of time.

I thought the first two sentences are really, really strong. The next two seem really rushed to me, and leave me with an insane amount of questions. Did he sit there and watch her give birth, savoring the pain of it? If so, I’d rather see that than have you tell me about it. And you could do it with maybe one or two descriptive sentences between the third and fourth.

But whatever you do, you need more between sentences three and four, because I don’t understand why she wasn’t stronger or what that even means.

I know it’s hard with a short passage crit like this, but the way it stands now, I get the feeling you’re not going to describe the event, and I think a really short scene would go a long way.

Good luck!

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By claena on 06.28.09 10:42 am | Permalink

For me, the first two are really strong, then it gets all passive… I think I need a little more info with what is going on there.

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By Jamie Harrington on 06.28.09 10:46 am | Permalink

I really like this and can’t find much (if anything) to change. I instantly have strong feelings of dislike for Ankou and understand the way he enjoys the woman’s suffering and pain.

Wow! What an evil guy…

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By Liz on 06.28.09 12:46 pm | Permalink

Nice villainy! (Holy oxymorons, Batman . . .) Starting with a nasty bad guy is smart. When you start with a hero, you’ve got to show that s/he has a problem, or there’s no plot. You’ve already presented the reader with a problem – Ankou’s actions, his very existence – that the reader assumes will be addressed in the story.

On to the crits! I feel like the phrase, “as it did this day,” in the second sentence, might be unnecessary. The following text will surely tell us this much. I also think that “it was to his benefit she was not” is slightly tangly to read, and might again be telling us something that the other sentences accomplish.

I also agree with Claena that what actually happened with the faery is unclear. If you’re going to tell us, though, that’s no problem.

(Also, woo fantasy! )

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By Anica on 06.28.09 4:58 pm | Permalink

I fell as if I’m cheating, seeing as how I know this story. But, I still love it.
I agree with Jamie that it does fall a little passive, but I’m not sure (knowing where it’s going) that it’s a bad thing.

Best of luck!

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By Sarah on 06.29.09 12:06 am | Permalink

The first sentence is great. You definitely characterize Ankou from the start.

I like the tone but I felt like I was missing something, right from the second sentence and I’m not sure you want to confuse your reader. Is killing the faery the game he is trying to stretch out?
Who is the blonde lovely? If this is the faery, I agree that it feels like we jumped from him about to kill her to her being dead. Also, why is the pain unexpected? And is this pain from giving birth or dying?

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By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 8:35 am | Permalink

I’m going to bookmark this for when I do later revisions.

As of right now, I have changed the first five of ch1, but I’ve done so much with this over the past few months that I think I need to lay off for a bit.
Let it sit as is and pick it up in a couple more months.
Then I can come back to all your great insights and suggestions and revise away from there.

Thanks a lot, everyone!!
- Eden

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By Eden on 06.30.09 11:35 pm | Permalink

If it’s not too late to chime in… I’m hooked! I guess as everyone else said… a little more showing of what’s going on in the last few sentences would be nice.

But… I’m just reiterating. I like it and want to read more! (Same for the other first five you posted. )

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By Jen on 07.02.09 1:52 pm | Permalink