I want more description of her abrupt waking in sentence four. For example, I want to know if she wakes in fear. Does she take time to compose herself or just drag her journal onto her lap?

You’re telling us details that could be used to show us more about your main character, and I think it’s a missed opportunity.

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By claena on 06.28.09 10:45 am | Permalink

I am confused… if she is running late, then why is she writing in her journal?

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By Jamie Harrington on 06.28.09 10:48 am | Permalink

I agree with the abrupt awakening. Also, you may consider losing again or the third sentence since they say the same thing–she’s always late.
I’m curious to find out about her dreams…

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By Liz on 06.28.09 12:50 pm | Permalink

I would definitely keep reading, as I smell fantasy. On the other hand, when it comes to fantasy, I’ve been known to detect phantom scents.

It might strengthen your point of view to cull – at least somewhat – words like “realize,” in favor of simply giving us the realization. Alexis looked at the clock. She was running late. I also agree with Liz that either Again or the third sentence could be cut.

In the last sentence, you might vary your verbs. The sentence before mentions the writing session, so maybe she “scribbled” down the details? Using a stronger verb (and perhaps slightly more description of the writing session) would also be good characterization and make it easier for readers to picture the scene.

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By Anica on 06.28.09 5:10 pm | Permalink

Also: maybe this is just me, but I’d prefer “started” to “began” in the fourth sentence.

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By Anica on 06.28.09 6:28 pm | Permalink

And wow, I definitely just reversed those two. My bad. I would prefer “began” to “started.”

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By Anica on 06.28.09 6:29 pm | Permalink

I think the start you had was a better hook. It needed work, but this doesn’t, IMO, have the same edge.
But it’s not a bad place to start. Just maybe pick up on claena says and give a touch more detail. Make us feel what Alexis feels.

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By Sarah on 06.29.09 12:09 am | Permalink

I agree that you could show more than tell. If she looks at the clock and realizes it is X:XX and sighs or panics, you can imply that she slept in without saying it.

I am a bit confused as to why she is late to get up and write in her journal. This strikes me as something you do in your spare time, not something you do on a schedule.

I find the world “otherworldly” awkward. I think it suffices to says dreams.

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By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 8:49 am | Permalink

I agree with the confusion part. This just doesn’t seem to make sense.

S

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By Scott on 06.29.09 9:45 am | Permalink

Actually, it does make sense if you read the next few sentences as it’s kind of flashback style, but it’s so hard with this exercise.
So, I realized it needed to be changed. I went back to my original beginning, but spruced it up a bit.
It’s difficult to start with a dream.
(My book doesn’t really start with a dream, though. Entry #2 is the first five of my prologue..)
Anyway, Sarah and I discussed posting our revisions after critiques, so here’s a rough draft of the change–added some of the later stuff first =)

*******

Sitting straight up in bed, Alexis looked all around her. Patting the sheets to feel they were real, she pulled them close to herself and attempted to gather her bearings.

A second ago, she was deep in the forest with beautiful creatures. She’d smelled fresh air and bathed in the sun’s rays that filtered through the trees. Many of the beings she was with were winged; all were wonderful. Not one was as boring and simple as the pale, yellow walls and dark, matching furniture that Mrs. Hodge had chosen for her daughter’s bedroom.

(it was five sentences, but became six..I didn’t want to take out the last one.. sorry)

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By Eden Tyler on 06.30.09 5:23 pm | Permalink