There are some grammar typos here, but I honestly don’t feel this one is strong enough to start a book… it didn’t quite hook me

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By Jamie Harrington on 06.28.09 10:49 am | Permalink

Too many his’s in the first sentence for me.

He was obsessed seems out of place. I’m not sure what that is referring to.

In all–not enough of a hook for me, but I think it’s hard to tell in the first five lines. Maybe a little tweaking…good luck!!

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By Liz on 06.28.09 12:54 pm | Permalink

Your protagonist (I assume this will be he) starts in a state of tension, so that’s good. I’d begin the first sentence with his name, Truman’s hands, then replace his name in the third sentence with “he.” I’d also take the second sentence and change the tense (. . . the last time he had taken a shower?). And I agree with Liz – what is he obsessed with?

There are, as Jamie mentioned, some typos. You’re missing a couple of commas – one in the first sentence after again, and one in the last sentence after and. You might find a grammar guide helpful. (I don’t mean that in a mean way!)

I’m sure you know that it’s risky to start off with a protagonist who is “filthy,” sitting around smoking in bare feet and not knowing when he last took a shower. If you want readers to identify with Truman, you’ll need to show how he reached this state. The “obsessed” sentence tells me that you’re planning to do that, so all I’ll say about it is the sooner, the better.

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By Anica on 06.28.09 5:27 pm | Permalink

You know, I liked it. Grammar issues aside, since they’ve been mentioned, to me, the fact that he hasn’t showered in a while, when obviously he normally does, says that this could be good. I’d like a little more, I’m not sure this is the right place to start, but I’d keep reading to find out why he hadn’t showered.

Maybe read through the first chapter and see if it can start somewhere else, and if this is it, let me feel the grime.

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By Sarah on 06.29.09 12:12 am | Permalink

I agree with everything above and would add that the question, “When was the last time…” is awkward. Who is asking this question and who is supposed to be answering it? If you are using 3rd POV, you want the reader to feel like they are inside the main character’s head so this question needs to feel like Truman is asking it of himself.

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By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 7:59 pm | Permalink