First Five Sentence Critique #5
June 28, 2009 | Filed in: Editing and Revising

I held my breath and dove into the crawl space just before the beam of a flashlight swept across the wall.

The echo of police boots trailed away. After a thirty count—to make sure they’d left—I exhaled, tried not to throw up, and checked for the gem in my pocket.
Still there. Good.

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4 Comments so far
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Perfect hook. I need to know what happens next! The only thing I can suggest is adding the word second–After a thirty second count…
Good job!

[Reply]

By Liz on 06.28.09 12:59 pm | Permalink

Nice! Definitely has me curious. The only thing I’d suggest is changing the beam of a flashlight to a flashlight beam. It will make the sentence snappier, plus avoiding repetition of “the.”

[Reply]

By Anica on 06.28.09 5:31 pm | Permalink

Gosh I love this!
I’m hooked.

[Reply]

By Sarah on 06.29.09 12:13 am | Permalink

I agree that this is a great hook.

I think the third sentence needs some work. It feels like you are telling more than showing. He could put his hand to his mouth to stop himself from throwing up. Or, he could pat his pocket to look for the gem.

You are also saying a bit too much in one sentence. He counted to thirty, exhaled, tried to not throw up and then
checked his pocket all in one line. I can see why you may want a fast pace for this piece but this is a bit too much action for one line.

Last comment: move the not after the to in, “tried not to throw up”.

[Reply]

By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 8:08 pm | Permalink

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