For me, this sentence get s a little passive, and I would like to see it have a little more action and a little less story telling, but the premise is interesting.

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By Jamie on 06.28.09 10:53 am | Permalink

I agree that this passage is a bit passive. Simply changing some things like ‘From touring local wineries’ to ‘From local winery tours’ would make this stronger.
It does the job of bringing me in and making me wonder what went wrong, but I think you could cut out some words and get to the meat of what’s to come next a little quicker =)

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By Eden Tyler on 06.28.09 12:28 pm | Permalink

Honestly I think I’d cut the first sentence and use it later, possibly after the fifth. Show me why she should love it and then tell me she didn’t.

In the third sentence you could just jump right into the fourth: Well, in one aspect it was–from touring local…

And I think one-of-a-kind should have dashes…but I could be wrong!

The hook comes with telling us she obviously should have loved every minute–but she didn’t. And we want to read on and find out why.

With a little rearranging I think this could be an awesome start!

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By Liz on 06.28.09 1:12 pm | Permalink

You ladies are awesome! Thank you for taking the time to look this over. I made the changes you suggested and I hope to have made it stronger.

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By Steena on 06.28.09 6:20 pm | Permalink

Fun start! An I-was-a-copy-editor comment: the third sentence needs to be split after the words memorable trip, whether into two sentences or by a dash or colon. Also, one-of-a-kind does need to be hyphenated, and I think you could just say “urge” rather than “urges” in the last sentence – unless you mean for Madison to actually be obsessive-compulsive, which is what I think of when I see compulsive urges.

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By Anica on 06.28.09 6:35 pm | Permalink

I agree with Anica.
And whether it needs to be more active depends on what kind of story it is.

What’s the genre?

I liked it, and would read on.
Work out the little nitpicks, and good start for me.

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By Sarah on 06.29.09 12:16 am | Permalink

Don’t like the use of “One” in this piece. Who is the “one” who would say these things? Using this term makes it feel like there is someone else thinking at the same time as Madison which is distracting.

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By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 8:13 pm | Permalink