No one would see her, shadow that she was, slinking along the abandoned street. They’d never get her back to the palace to learn them lessons. She weren’t no lady, no matter what they said.
Time to bury the thing and be done with it. A little trouble at times weren’t no problem, but when that trouble took on life and opened its gaping jaws to swallow her down to hell, well, that was a tad more than Jessamine cared for.
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5 Comments so far
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I get what you are doing with the voice, but I can’t handle the bad grammar twice with the weren’t… use it sparingly.
[Reply]
By Jamie on 06.28.09 10:55 am | Permalink
I love it!
This is definitely a good hook for me. I want to know who she is and what’s going on in her life.
The grammar takes getting used to…but I’d read on!
[Reply]
By Liz on 06.28.09 1:18 pm | Permalink
The grammar does take getting used to, but only about three or four graphs, then you’re so into the story, you can’t sleep and insist on more.
At least I did.
[Reply]
By Sarah on 06.29.09 12:23 am | Permalink
I like it! You want to be careful with bad grammar, because it can make getting into the story a little bumpy (and you run the risk of sometimes sounding contrived, silly, annoying, etc.), but it seems to be done well here. I think the only thing that snagged me a little is that “a tad” isn’t a phrase I associate with the less-educated, poor-grammar crowd. “A bit” or “a little” would be neutral, and you might even be able to find something that really does ring true to the character’s speech. (“A sight”? Means something bigger than “a tad,” but seems more appropriate to the speech pattern . . .) Or you could just say . . . that was more than Jessamine cared for. But overall, great start!
[Reply]
By Anica on 06.29.09 2:10 pm | Permalink
I think it is perfectly acceptable to emulate poor grammar for dialogue, but I don’t like it for narration. I wouldn’t be able to read more than 5 sentences like this.
[Reply]
By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 8:21 pm | Permalink
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