I love the copper hair! You don’t hear it described that way too often!

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By Jamie on 06.28.09 10:56 am | Permalink

This is really good, but I would personally rearrange it to make it stronger.
Describing how her fingers move isn’t necessary, as most readers will know what ‘mid-strum’ looks like.
‘turned with a faint smile to Neil’ — if you do this, you could take out his name and title from the next sentence as it’s not needed. The last sentence tells us they’re brother and sister.
I like your descriptions and I’m interested in what the story’s about.

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By Eden Tyler on 06.28.09 12:54 pm | Permalink

Well written, but I agree with Eden in each point.

I’m wondering why the story starts here and if there isn’t a more ‘hook-y’ place to start. But I’m sure I would see if I could read further…

Good luck!

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By Liz on 06.28.09 1:22 pm | Permalink

I too agree with Eden.
And if you say: Neil stood in the hallway instead of Neil was standing in the hallway, it makes it stronger.
But yeah, hooked and would love to read on.

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By Sarah on 06.29.09 12:26 am | Permalink

I agree with Eden, Liz, AND Sarah! (There are some good critics here! ) I like the style. As Liz says, there might be a more tension-y place to start.

Also, it might just be me, but I would prefer “as if” to “like” (yawning like he’d much rather be in bed). I guess I just like the rhythm of the words better.

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By Anica on 06.29.09 2:16 pm | Permalink

I think it would be better to drop the Shanna from the first line and use it to replace the she in the second line. I had to read this a couple times to figure out to whom the she was referring.

I’d also drop the “like he’d much rather be in bed”. I think using yawning implies this and lets the reader do the work to connect the dots.

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By Holly Bodger on 06.29.09 8:26 pm | Permalink

Thanks so much for all the great feedback! I tried your suggestions, and it feels much better. After reading all of your first fives (all wonderful!) I’m starting to better understand how this exercise works.

This is from a short story I wrote for a writing class, and it’s actually trying really hard to grow up to be a novel. (My teacher said it was going to be the next 5 years of my life. Oh yay.) I guess as I let it expand, I’ll see if this is still the best hook, but for now I’m rather fond of this.

Anyway. Posting my revision on the First Five Revisions thread. Thank you again!

Also, @Jamie: Thanks. One day I was writing, and he ended up with copper hair. It’s random, but I like it too.

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By Jen on 07.02.09 8:15 pm | Permalink