Okay, for me right now… the query is too long, is there any way to tighten it up? Maybe combine paragraphs? As-is I would never get to the 500 words…

[Reply]

By Jamie on 08.02.09 2:52 am | Permalink

I think your query would make a great start for a synopsis. I think, tighten it up, as Jamie suggested and it would be better.

I enjoyed the first 500 words. I found myself wanting to know more about Xochitl (where did you find these names??) and the bible-thumping parents who adopted her – sounds like a clash is about to happen.

Good luck!

[Reply]

By Steena on 08.02.09 11:18 am | Permalink

Thanks! I’ve got 2 partials out so far w’ this one. Maybe with your advice, I may get some requests for fulls!

[Reply]

By annarkie on 08.03.09 8:53 am | Permalink

[...] Query + 500 # 1 [...]

By If You Give a Girl a Pen… » Blog Archive » Critiquing on 08.03.09 10:30 am | Permalink

That’s a neat concept! I like that you’ve got both genetic engineering and vampires, and I definitely like the tough, worldly feel of Akasha’s POV in the first 500 words.

Now, to crits!

The query does read a bit more like a synopsis. You might try to shorten/tighten it somewhat.

You may have taken care of this already in the novel, but as a general rule, when your piece contains science fiction or fantasy elements, you want to make it clear from early on that this is not just the ordinary world. Sometimes, of course, a sf/f element is the big reveal at the end, but not here, so you might want to include something within the first chapter or two that at least hints that something really weird is going on. Is the whole work in Akasha’s point of view? Because I’d be curious to read some chapters/scenes in Silas’ . . .

On the first 500:

- Xochitl is definitely interesting, but I’m wondering whether any orphanage would actually let a couple adopt a kid under those circumstances. I think there are huge tests and trials for adoption, and I imagine that older kids get a say in where they go to live. If it looked like this “obnoxious Bible-thumping couple” was just in it to convert/reform Xochitl, or if Xochitl didn’t like them, I doubt they’d be allowed to adopt her.

- I would shun overused phrases in favor of ones that better express Akasha’s voice. I wasn’t sure about “so be it,” Akasha’s being “overcome” by the beauty of the moon, or her musing If only . . . I actually really like the sentiment of the last line, but I’d prefer something like I wish my parents could have had . . .

- Similarly, there are a few words that I’d remove or replace with simpler ones because of the POV, or just to streamline. For example, in the second paragraph I would say, The car crawled by like a predatory insect. The last paragraph could skip Once and start with Inside the cemetery.

- I’d really like to see a sentence that characterizes Xochitl but is more grounded in Akasha’s voice than Xochitl was fascinating, with her carefree personality, Goth clothes, and talk of her metal band. I like that these things are true of Xochitl, but I think Akasha would express them differently. If you read that sentence aloud and try to imagine a teenaged tough girl saying it, it doesn’t ring true. Plus, you could be more vivid: Xochitl wore spiky black jewelry and sang in a metal band. That Akasha finds Xochitl interesting is evident – if you leave it out, it’s already shown, so you don’t have to tell it as well.

Finally, copy edits, courtesy of my tweaky, nitpicky copy editorness:

- I would say October, 1999, not use a colon.

- Fourth sentence: No apostrophe before Last.

- You aren’t actually censoring the f-word in your submissions, are you? It definitely wouldn’t be printed that way at publication. Incidentally, f****d-up is hyphenated.

- You probably want zealot’s fire, not zealot’s pyre, burning in the eyes of the adopting couple. And the Bible that they’re thumping should be capitalized.

- In the last sentence, I’d shift back to past perfect: They’d agreed to meet . . .

- In the first sentence of the next paragraph, you want a comma, not a semicolon. Semicolons can only separate phrases that could each be complete sentences on their own.

- Next paragraph, you have the phrase There was only one question followed by three rhetorical questions. While I’m right there, this isn’t technically a copy edit, but you might think about hinting about the man she’d killed rather than spelling it out – had someone found out about that man in the alley two years ago? or similar, especially as it would lend a real punch to the revelation that She’d killed to defend herself before. Following this last, I would get rid of Or, at least make somebody hurt. It’s a good tough-girl sentence, but it’s less dramatic than the previous one, and you want to end every paragraph (and sentence, chapter, etc.) as strongly as you can.

- Incidentally, she probably doesn’t feel cold steel in her palm, because that would mean that either the handle was metal (possible, but pretty unusual) or that she’s handling the blade for some reason – dangerous, especially while running around in the dark.

- I’m veering again out of technical copy edits, but this is my last suggestion, so bear with me. In the next sentence, I like the imagery, but would try to end the second sentence with dark tunnel, as it’s stronger here than at night. You also don’t need to say that the canopy of maples is above, as that’s where such canopies are.

- Okay, okay, I lied, one more! But this one is a copy edit. As the child of two visual artists, I have to ask whether cerulean is the color you mean your night sky to be. It’s not very dark, and usually suggests a turquoise tint. Either navy or indigo would be closer (my dad, a painter, suggested indigo). Also, I don’t necessarily see Akasha throwing around the word “cerulean.” It’s definitely one of those words that a writer’s gotta love, but “indigo” is just as good, don’t you think?

[Reply]

By Anica Lewis on 08.05.09 4:47 pm | Permalink

Haha, this is precisely why I voted for “query and 500 words,” not “query and first five pages” or more. My critique would take DAYS.

[Reply]

By Anica Lewis on 08.05.09 4:48 pm | Permalink

* Just thought I’d follow all that up with a reminder that I do like a lot about the piece. Glad you posted it!

[Reply]

By Anica Lewis on 08.05.09 4:52 pm | Permalink

Okay, query first.

Foul mouthed, seventeen-year-old Akasha Hope dreams of college and opening an automotive business on her nightly ventures away from the orphanage. A venture she unknowingly never takes alone.

Adopted four months before her eighteenth birthday, Akasha is suspicious of her new guardian’s motives (WHAT IS HE DOING?) and the odd hours he keeps. Gradually won over with his generosity and support of her desires to start her own auto shop, Akasha also finds herself attracted to her mentor. Now if she can just dispel his curiosity about her painful past, (WHAT? LIFE WOULD BE PERFECT? I DON’T KNOW HERE, BUT I WANT SOMETHING.)

Now in love with the man she discovered is a vampire, and he with her, Akasha is threatened by his ex-lover who turns them into the U.N. (DOES THIS HAVE ANOTHER NAME? IF SO, USE IT) of the vampire world hoping to topple his power base. Akasha must be strong enough to combat this threat and find answers to her past.

BLOOD PROPHECY is a 65,000 word Paranormal Romance in which fate grants a young woman the gift of love with one hand and casts her into a maelstrom of government conspiracies and vampire politics with the other.

I am a member of the Idaho Writer’s league and have an Associate’s degree in Automotive Technology. The complete manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time.
(contact info)

IS THIS BOOK IN MORE THAN ONE POV? BECAUSE I’M TRYING TO KEEP THE QUERY TO JUST AKASHA’S, BUT IT’S HARD. BUT IF THE STORY IS JUST FROM HERS, THEN THE QUERY MUST BE. I WANT TO WORK ON THIS SOME MORE. WOULD YOU MIND EMAILING ME?

[Reply]

By Sarah on 08.06.09 5:31 pm | Permalink

Chapter One

Coeur d’Alene, Idaho. October: 1999

Akasha bolted behind a fir tree at the sight of the approaching police cruiser. Her slight form pressed against the rough bark, and her breath caught as it drew near. Last thing she needed was to be busted after curfew. (IMO, THIS IS BETTER NOT SPOKEN.)

The car crawled by, resembling a predatory insect. (IN WHAT WAY?) She extracted her mass of curly black hair from the tree branches and headed for the cemetery, relieved at her success. (DOES SHE NOT WAIT FOR THE CRUISER TO DISAPPEAR?) She hated being caught right when she snuck out the orphanage window. She hoped her friend had gotten out and was able to meet her. Akasha’s thoughts on the matter weren’t entirely unselfish. She didn’t want to be alone tonight.

She’d met Xochitl, (pronounced So-she, though Akasha had no idea how you’d get that out of such a f***** up combination of letters) at the orphanage. Her mother died and no one knew what to do with her. Xochitl (IF YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE A NAME LIKE THIS, DO THIS PART IN DIALOGUE. MAYBE THINK BACK—LATER ON—TO WHEN THEY FIRST MET AND HAVE AKASHA COMMENT ON THE NAME.) was fascinating, with her carefree personality, Goth clothes, and talk of her metal band. Akasha enjoyed having her as a companion on her nightly walks. Unfortunately, it ended when an obnoxious bible-thumping couple adopted Xochitl a week ago. (THIS IS ALL TELLING AND BACKSTORY. IT CAN BE ADDED LATER, SO YOU DON’T LOSE THE TENSION.) Akasha could see the zealot’s pyre burning in their eyes and her heart went out to her new friend. The only good to come out of it was that Xochitl was transferred to Akasha’s school. They agreed to meet in the cemetery tonight. (GO STRAIGHT TO THE NEXT GRAPH, SKIP THIS AND WEAVE IT IN LATER.)

(Akasha DELETE) SHE scanned her surroundings for the slightest movement; ears pricked for the tiniest hint of footsteps approaching. All was quiet. She straightened her shoulders defiantly and flipped a few shadows the bird.

Akasha sensed that she was being followed these last few weeks. A lot of people were looking for her. Neither (SUGGEST TWO. IF MORE THAN TWO PEOPLLE WERE LOOKING FOR HER, THEN I’D CHANGE THIS TO NONE.) of the possibilities boded well. (There was DELETE) Only one question FILLED HER MIND: Was it the uniformed men who murdered her parents, or did someone find out that she killed a man years ago? Why now? (THIS IS MORE THAN ONE QUESTION. AND I’D NOT INCLUDE ANY OF THIS. IT NEEDS TO COME OUT AS THE STORY UNFOLDS.) I’ve been fine here for two years and now that I’m almost eighteen, this shit’s gotta happen? (SKIP TO HERE—FROM NONE OF THE POSSIBILITIES BODED WELL.) She pulled her knife out, reassured by the feel of cold steel in her palm. Though it would be safer if she’d forego her nightly walks, Akasha couldn’t bear the thought of staying in that shitty orphanage a second longer than she had to. If that meant facing whatever was stalking her, so be it. She’d killed to defend herself before, she could do it again. Or, at least make somebody hurt. (THIS GIVES US ENOUGH FOR NOW.)

Her boots made no sound on the cracked sidewalk as she padded down Government Way. (HOW DOES SHE KEEP THEM FROM MAKING SOUND? DO THEY HAVE SPECIAL SOLES? IS SHE WALKING A CERTAIN WAY?) The canopy of maples above turned the street into a dark tunnel at night.

Once inside the cemetery, she looked up and was overcome by the beauty of the full moon, framed by a swirl of silver clouds and twinkling stars in the cerulean sky. When she reached the marble angel monument she dug her cigarettes out of her biker jacket. If only my parents could have had a monument like this.

(I WANT TO READ MORE OF THIS. IT’S A GOOD START, JUST NEEDS SOME CLEANING UP.)

[Reply]

By Sarah on 08.06.09 5:56 pm | Permalink