Query + 500 #2

Query:

Dear (Agent’s name),

Seventeen-year-old Samantha Sanders has vivid nightmares—which take her inside the mind of a killer, as she dreams of murders that actually happen…while they’re happening. She discovers a connection between her dreams and an ancient line of Cherokee Protectors, who fight Flesh Eaters—monsters that look like us, but come straight from the depths of legend.

Sam finds herself, not only attracted to another Protector, local hottie, Sheriff’s Deputy Andrew Clearwater, but also to one of the monsters. And this man-monster has the power to control her dreams and influence her feelings.

Though I believe LEGEND OF THE PROTECTORS will appeal to the readers who love the romance in Twilight, it is not another vampire story. Loosely based on the Cherokee Legend The Stone Shield, this edgy, young adult urban fantasy LEGEND OF THE PROTECTORS is complete at 95,000 words.

A registered Cherokee, I enjoy studying the history and legends of my people.

If you would like to consider my novel, I can be reached at (email address) or phone #. A completed manuscript is available upon request.

Thank you for your time and consideration.

Sarah Jensen

Mailing address

Phone #

Email address

Websites or blogs

Chapter 1
Weightless and fast, I bolt through the deep woods. Hunger—unquenchable. The tent is a welcome sight. My outstretched hands are cold. Steel. They slice through the nylon with ease, making no sound. A man and woman sleep, backs to each other.

She’s too large, his liver will be healthier. I wonder where that thought came from. Why am I looking at these people like they’re food?

With no more effort than it would take to drag a doll across the floor, I pull him from the tent.

#

I leaned back in the booth and scanned my grandpa’s favorite diner. Not much had changed since the last time Paw-pa had brought me here. Old wagon wheels and lanterns on the walls, the concrete floor stained to resemble stone. Homey. Or was that homely?

Four men at the counter joked and acted obnoxious. Before their roaring laughter got any more out of control, a man, well over six feet, rose and sauntered over to them.

Wow.

My palms sweated and my leg started twitching. I felt compelled to run my fingers through his rich black hair, a little long on top with a hint of curls. He wore a brown deputy’s uniform.  His tanned muscles, visible beneath the short sleeves of his shirt, sent my heart into a frenzy. He placed a hand on the back of one man and spoke.

I twirled a strand of chestnut hair around my finger and smiled. He didn’t seem to notice me at all.

“Sam, pay attention. This concerns you.” My best friend’s dad, Brian, tapped his fork on the table in front of me, but I didn’t respond.

My stare was glued to the hottie in the uniform. The men smiled and quieted down and he returned to his booth, where another officer sat.

I still didn’t look away. “What?”

“Don’t snarl at me, young lady. We all have adjustments to make. Don’t take your frustrations out on us.”

I bit my lip, turned my focus back to my table, and smiled in an attempt to be pleasant. He was right after all, it wasn’t like he or Paw-pa were responsible for the accident. “Sorry.”

“Thank you.” He took my hand and said something about a file box with important papers in it at Paw-pa’s house.

Whatever.

I looked back at Officer Hotness.

I didn’t know if Brian gave up talking to me, or if I just stopped listening, but that was pretty much the end of our conversation. He paid our bill, and I tried to walk out seductively, shaking my hips with a slight exaggeration, until I almost tripped over Paw-pa in the attempt.

Okay, not my most graceful moment. But maybe Tahlequah won’t be such a bad place to live after all.

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4 Comments so far
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It’s good but the — are overused.

Also… I never realized this before, but I am TOTALLY tripping over the Paw-pa. Like, I have no idea how that would be said irl lol!

[Reply]

Now I’m curious – what accident, why is she moving and man – I like the ‘hotness’.

I like it.

[Reply]

Ooh, I remember this beginning! Still good, though I do feel the need to poke you about the comma at the beginning of the second paragraph that needs to be a semicolon. Am I hopeless? :P

I like the query a lot. The punctuation in the first paragraph could be sorted out a bit, and I’d really like to see a new sentence for She dreams of murders that actually happen . . . as they’re happening. For the first sentence, you might try . . . has vivid dreams – nightmares that take her inside the mind of a killer.

The query is a very good length, and you do a great job laying out your credentials. You might want to change this edgy, young adult urban fantasy to the edgy YA urban fantasy – “this” to “the” because you then follow with the title, and removing the comma after “edgy” because both “YA urban fantasy” is a genre by itself, not a list of adjectives.

In the previous paragraph, I would rework the first sentence a little: Sam finds herself attracted not only to . . . but to one of the Flesh Eaters. This makes the parallel construction of the sentence clearer and avoids repetition of “monster” with the next sentence.

I would also remove If you would like to consider my novel, as the agent can probably guess that’s why you’re contacting her/him. :)

Good stuff!

[Reply]

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